What a ridiculous lawsuit. The tenant should get $200 million and get to pull the rope that releases the landlord’s guillotine. Also, should get to flick the match that burns down the apartment complex.

I don’t fuck around with roaches.

Holy shit. Most people I know who have lived in Lubbock left because “it’s too small of a city and everyone knows your business.”

I’d still chalk that up as a “pro” in the column for “life achievements.”

If you’d said that there’s a woman in Abilene who trusted you implicitly, I’d question our currently questionable friendship

Been to Abilene—had a bad time. Wouldn’t recommend it. Story seems pretty par for the course.

Let’s say your mom needs chemo treatments and can’t drive herself. You wanna be good to your mom and drive her, but she’s recently developed a behavior from the stress and medication that when she’s in a car with someone, she fights with the driver trying to grab the steering wheel and aim the car at pedestrians.

It’s not her fault that she’s developed this behavior, but you’d think she could at least control herself and stop trying to run over pedestrians, but she says she doesn’t want to. Technically, since you’re driving, you could convince the police that you’re actually the one trying to commit vehicular manslaughter, so while you could deflect the blame, you really know it’s her own fault.

You could also physically restrain your mom, except for all those pesky elder-abuse laws and what kind of person would do that to their mother anyway?

So, what are you gonna do? Will you be a complicit party to your mom’s desire to see pedestrians run over, or will you stop letting her into your car and let her ride the train and bus like an adult? Remember, she’s dying from cancer, but lots of other people experience intrusive thoughts without acting on them and lots of other people don’t have family to support them but still manage just fine.

So, what’s your answer? Support your mom and tell her it’s okay to try killing/hurting people, or let her figure things out for herself and hope that she comes to her senses? She could always prove to you that she realized her behavior was wrong and that she’s ready to ride in the car with you.

And don’t worry, no matter what you answer, I’m still going to call you an asshole, because that’s how reductive internet trolls work. Cuz “fuck you, this is your mom, damn,” and “it’s just simple defensive driving.”

Inflatio causes deflation

She’s that lady who married the Unabomber from The Office

Call me in-deciduous, but I can’t tell if I’m entertained or nut. Maybe I’m just being a whiny little beech…

Is it a jar of jam or jelly?

I like hugging my dogs

It’s like an exhausted minion!

I don’t know what accent you intended to communicate, but I definitely heard it in my head

Widdershins start my hair, your Spooktober decorations are so spooky!!!

You’re just trying to steal my pedi-shreddy!

Here is Plato’s cloaca
- Diogenes

Why stop at 10? Go straight to 12 and send in Armie Hammer to sexually cannibalize their ass

Costco rotisserie and being stepped on for OF. The more donations, the faster the model attempts to debone the bird using only their feet. At the end of each month, the top four contributors receive a jar of chicken tortilla soup made from the fermented pedi-shreddy chicken.

I’m still waiting for the butthole cut

Debuckle is what my dad did before I got the belt

Whoever says parents aren’t hitting their kids enough either weren’t abused much as a child or were abused far too much. I was abused just enough to avoid ever having kids.