Almost all my life I’ve absolutely despised children. Pretty much from the moment I stopped being a child I’ve hated being around children.
It doesn’t even matter what the child is doing. Whether they’re laughing and having fun or screaming and throwing a tantrum. The sound of a child being loud activates an almost primal rage that I can barely contain.
I’ve had to leave social gatherings/restaurants/grocery stores all because if I’d stayed I’d have made a complete ass of myself by screaming at a child just for existing.
It’s even worse with infants which makes me feel horrible because I know they can’t help it. I know the kids don’t know any better and it’s our job as adults to get them through childhood, but my blood boils when they get loud or demand attention.
Has anyone else dealt with something like this? Is there anything I can do to stop from getting so angry?
Therapy. It’s clear this is causing you problems in your life. And that’s exactly what therapy is for.
I’m just a dickhead on the Internet, but what you’re describing doesn’t sound normal or healthy to me. Have you tried therapy?
I’ve done therapy a few times now and we never really covered this.
It doesn’t help that I live in a small town so the therapists here are extremely underqualified for actual mental illness and not just helping people through “tough” times
There’s such a thing as remote therapy.
I’ve tried that more times than actual in person therapy and it’s extremely hard for me to form the emotional attachment necessary for me to let my guard down and bare my thoughts and feelings.
It feels so fake and forced. I feel more like a subject being examined than a patient there for care
Your mileage may vary, but have you tried over the phone instead of video chat (if it’s an option where you live)? I felt exactly the same about video, but something about over the phone felt chill, I could just “chat with a friend” in my pajamas. Helped me a lot and neither my therapist or I ever actually saw each other.
Or even just messages. I believe that betterhelp offers purely messages for therapy, which would maybe help start a more trusting relationship first. And they could either stick with messages, or if they’re comfortable, move to voice therapy
At the end of the day with therapy you get out what you put in. They can’t help you work through issues if they don’t know what they are.
I recently had a breakdown and attended therapy. I decided from the start I’d just be completely open and throw everything I have at them.
It was massively helpful and has transformed my life.
It’s their job to listen and not judge and they’ve definitely heard much much worse stuff.
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Betterhelp was selling medical information to facebook so make sure you find someplace legitimate to get help
That’s not a terrible idea. They might even tell you that your emotions are not uncommon and give you some tips for dealing with it.
Or something else could be going on and you could get some more complete therapy.
Source: being some other jerk on the Internet.
Internet jerks unite!!!
The sound of a child being loud activates an almost primal rage that I can barely contain.
Yeah, that’s actually a thing for some people to various degrees.
It’s called misophonia
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24460-misophonia
I had it for high pitched sounds as well, went on Beta Blockers for migraines and it fixed this as well.
The noises are triggering your adrenal response and your body is screaming at you that the noise has to stop and it doesn’t matter what it takes. Beta blockers block adrenaline, so now noises that used to set me on edge are just normal noises to me.
I think one of the current hypothesis is that it might be close to a sound that would attract predators, but sometimes wires get crossed and you have the reaction to a random noise.
Most commonly it’s people hating the sound of others chewing.
I was unfamiliar with misophonia so I went looking into it. I know it is a poorly studied issue, but I wasn’t able to find any peer reviewed research where children’s noises in general were used or reported as a trigger. I found lots of discussion forums, but that is anecdotal.
The reason I went digging is because the op describes all children’s noises, happy, sad, whatever, whereas what I read in the literature was very specific noises were reported as triggers. E.g, lip smacking, chewing, pen clicking, etc. In one study, they even used videos of children and dogs playing to help participants calm down and establish a baseline. https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0227118
While I’m admittedly ignorant, it seems OP may have a more general aversion to children than I would expect of misophonia given what I’ve read from medical sources.
I only mention this as a counter suggestion to help op avoid self diagnosing and maybe going down the wrong track.
I think counseling is warranted to help sort it out.
Not specifically kids.
But kids make lots of really high pitched noises, and those can be a trigger.
Happy, sad, for no reason at all.
Kids make a lot of noise, and it’s almost all high pitch
I’ll have to look into this. People chewing normally don’t bother me, but if someone is sitting close and chews with their mouth open… yeah, instant rage.
Whether they’re laughing and having fun or screaming and throwing a tantrum. The sound of a child being loud activates an almost primal rage that I can barely contain.
This is actually a neurological thing. It has a name and everything (though I can’t recall what the name is). A lot of people on the spectrum have it. You may want to talk to a therapist about it, if this isn’t merely hyperbole.
Misophonia is the thing you’re describing.
That’s the fear of soy paste.
That’s misophobia, misophonia is when you don’t like how soy paste sounds.
That’s the disease that may qualify you for financial compensation
You’re thinking of mesophobioma.
As dumb as this comment is, you’ve just guaranteed that I’ll never forget the name of this problem, so thanks for that
I have this too. The sound of chewing is like nails on a chalkboard all through my bones. It’s awful.
Oh just what I need more evidence.
Never hurts to check.
Unless you’re American and don’t have health insurance. Then it might hurt.
I have it. The sounds of people eating, especially slurping or crunching, are literally repulsive. I have to have something else to train my focus on or else I’ll get up and bolt.
Other repetitive sounds trigger it too: people popping gum, chewing ice, clipping fingernails, etc. But not too bad with keyboards and typing.
I’m not sure if I have it or I’m just an irritable asshole, but I certainly gave pause when I first read about it because plenty of sounds people make absolutely do feel like a nail being driven into my brain, inducing a feeling of unrepentant anger that is tough to let go of. Though, they’re usually sounds most people also find irritating. Like lip smacking and nostril wheezing. At what point is it not simply a common irritation and it becomes a disorder? 🤔
When it affects your relationships and your life. My wife has a complex now about crunching in front of me and chooses food accordingly, which makes me feel terrible.
Or when I can’t focus on what my boss is saying because she’s eating almonds while she talks.
I just try to find coping behaviors and sometimes literally bite my lip to get thru some situations.
Yep, autism was my first thought too.
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I’ve noticed a correlation between the trait you describe and high-functioning autism. I’ve dated two women with the trait you describe, and one of them was diagnosed HFA, and the other showed signs of HFA but was undiagnosed last I heard.
We have a tendency to expect others to show the same level of maturity as we’ve learned to exhibit ourselves. Being accepting of those who haven’t learned that level of maturity is a skill that must be learned. Learning teaching skills/methods helps with this.
I have no advice, but I have to say I really admire and appreciate you for acknowledging that it’s unfair for the children and trying to change that. Most people aren’t strong enough to introspect
I would even argue that you’ve already done the hard part
It’s very weird to me that you’re only listing loud things children do… Like, have you ever been around a sleeping child? Do they bother you? What about in a classroom, watching a movie, or running in the distance (out of earshot)?
Average volume of a child is higher than adults, but only by a factor of 2 or so. And their noises are interpretable, you can definitely figure out what they mean, unlike the adult noises.
Average volume of a child is higher than adults, but only by a factor of 2 or so.
Most adults are also unbearable so that’s not convincing anyone
But I think blaming children for the fact that all people are unbearable is… idk, you’ve mistaken a symptom for a problem? Working on the general misanthropy is probably a better start?
At this point it might as well be a natural response to childeren to link them to the loud noises ( which irritate op ). Tbh, i was thinking the same and it might help you realise what you hate ( childeren, or just loud noises )
As an adult I’m louder sleeping (snoring at 80 dB) than being active in the day
Lol, OSHA gonna visit your bedroom!
No one is working when I’m sleeping
Not without some heavy-duty industrial grade ear muffs.
Someone probably needs a CPAP or APAP
That’s the neat part, you don’t
I just want to commend you on asking for help, and based on your post and replies, it sounds like you can at least offload the belief that you hate children, because it doesn’t seem that way, only that you’re very triggered by the noise, which I can totally relate to. It happens for me with kids and barking dogs, and I have to manage the sound with music and earbuds. Sound sensitivity and being stressed by it is very real for a number of conditions or conditioned mentalities, so I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself about it when it’s clear you’re empathetic and don’t want to feel that way, but seeking therapy with someone familiar with such reactions is probably a good idea. Though ultimately personal noise management may still be a big part of the solution.
the moment I stopped being a child
There was probably a moment when you decided to dislike the “child part” of yourself.
Normal people start being a grown-up, but do not totally turn away from that “child part”. It is still there. It is always there. It is a normal part of a normal life.
Try to make amends with that part of yourself, and allow it to resurrect in you.
The more of these comments I read the more I’m starting to realize it’s because I wasn’t allowed to be that loud kid.
The moment I started getting loud whether happy or sad I just got punished.
Resentment through jealousy I suppose. Looks like I have some things to think about
I was also expected to be very quiet and perfectly behaved, and have also struggled with resentment toward rowdy children as a result. Even now, at 39 years old, I sometimes want to retaliate with an Aztec death whistle.
Therapy can be really helpful in learning to deal with that resentment. If possible and reasonable, so can talking about it with your parent(s).
Several years ago I said to my mother, “I’m feeling angry right now because I’m thinking about that loud kid we saw in the store today and remembering how I had to repress myself as a child.” Then we had a really productive conversation about the pressure to defy stereotypes about poor parents, being a parent with unrecognized and unsupported neurodivergence, and sensory issues.
I hope you’re able to dissolve a significant amount of your resentment, too. In the meantime, there’s a kind of reusable earplug that reduces noise just a little bit so you can still have a conversation (can’t remember the brand name though).
My husband had that kind of childhood too, and loud kids really trigger him, just like you’ve described in your post.
That’s a great insight for you to have! It’s easier to address a struggle if you can identify the root of it ❤️ Also many of us can empathize with being treated that way as children.
Could be worth looking into Misophonia. Basically it’s an irrational anger response to specific noises that vary person to person. I don’t know enough about it to say how it can be dealt with, but it may be something you could find a specialist for.
Goosfraba. seriously though I don’t think there can be anything you do but remove yourself from the area unless they are your children. Its sorta funny but I was a way quite kid but I generally get kids. Its like dogs wanting to play. They just want to play. cyring and its like a dog wimpering. somethings wrong. Granted I have no kids and I don’t go out of my way to wrangle other folks but it never really bothers me.
What’s that first word mean?
Goosfraba
That’s an important question.
a quite kid
cyring
somethings
But, can we get these ones checked too?
its from the movie anger management and sorta a joke but it only makes sense if you saw the movie.
Goosfraba is a traditional tribal term of Northern-American indigenous tribes, that is used in testious situations, with an aim to calm and ease the mind from stress and to prevent other negative effects.
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Sensory processing disorder associated with autism is exactly what came to my mind because it’s exactly what I deal with. I usually shut down instead of melting down, but kids playing at anything past a barely-audible level is extremely difficult for me. Other attention-grabbing noises are also difficult, like dogs barking, car doors closing, people yelling, etc., and other stimuli cause me to shut down too, like dogs jumping/breathing on me (basically everything about dogs, unfortunately) or someone touching the back of my head/neck.
It took a lot of research into how my sensory processing reacts to different things, and I still struggle frequently, but I’m a father now and most days I’m very happy about it. I have noise canceling headphones for when I get overwhelmed, and I keep a clicky mechanical keyboard switch and barrette in my pocket to fiddle with, which helps a lot.
OP, I can obviously only speak from my own experiences, but I think dissecting what exactly causes these sudden emotional bursts and finding sensory distraction or blocking techniques to dampen them might work for you too. Headphones are a godsend.
Edit: Definitely seek a professional opinion (if possible for you) and look into misophonia, especially if specific sounds are your only issue. I just wanted to provide my perspective because for me the exact same issue the original post describes was part of a broader thing that needed addressing.
One thing you could do to at least mitigate the issue is carry a set of ear plugs on you at all times. That’s what I do and it’s really helped me out in certain situations. It obviously won’t solve the problem, but if it reduces the noise level, it should make it less irritating.
carry a set of ear plugs on you at all times
So, this form of victim-shaming is okay?
I carry a pair on me at all times, too. And it’s a bigger help than one might realize.
If someone is sensitive to loud noises or particular sounds, earplugs can help prevent them from being overstimulated by those sounds. If I enter a loud bar, I put them in. If I have to be around loud or crying kids, I put them in. Loud college party or hockey game? Ear plugs. Crowded fair? Ear plugs.
They allow me to stay in social situations that I would otherwise have to leave. It makes much more sense for me to put my plugs in than to expect kids to be quiet all the time. Or for everyone at a party to be respectful just for me.
What you are feeling is similar to how I used to feel. What changed was my understanding of children. A child behaves the way it does because it is literally experiencing things for the first time. That’s why they over react. They aren’t bad all the time. They can be more fun to be around then adults. They don’t care what you look like. They’re easy to impress and pal around with. And when they do act out it’s not nearly as serious as adults.
